Ruminating ruminants: Another modest proposal

I would like to propose granting national identity cards, voting rights and citizenship to the goats and sheep of Balochistan

Balochistan is the largest province of Pakistan with a total landmass of 347190 sq/km, but population density of only 19 persons per sq/km. This has created hurdles for mega-development projects as the Baloch fear becoming a minority in their own land if outsiders start moving in. They have also chosen to use violence to make their political claims to resources and representation.

The federal structure has terse relations with Balochistan because where the province constitutes only a small fraction of total population, it contributes about 50% of the Gross Domestic Problems (GDP).

To minimize the population to GDP ratio and provide a much needed non-insurgent servile population that will not make irrational demands for fairness, I would like to humbly propose granting national identity cards, voting rights and citizenship to the goats and sheep of Balochistan. This solution would address many practical issues and structural problems.

Strategically, goats are amenable to being herded, whether by a shepherd, a sardar or Rawalpindi. Furthermore, if their behavior becomes unruly, they can be led to slaughterhouses without causing much public ire, unlike other Baloch killings.

In fact, it would bring down the price of meat in other provinces, in continuity with the past paradigm of goods from Balochistan subsidizing others. Fodder policies can be devised to keep them fattened for times of sacrifice. French philosopher Rene Girard highlighted how mimetic desires within groups (such as the nation of Pakistan) are resolved by agreeing on such bloodletting.

The goats can proliferate to meet current demographic shortfalls. Low levels of religious fundamentalism in the area would be conducive to copulation and reproduction, in the non-Pushtun areas at least, and if aggressive genes fester, artificial insemination can be used to offset this and create a docile genetic strain through breeding programs.

This would also resolve the issue of excess land that would require excessive investment to make it habitable for humans. The topographic and political climate of the province being arid, it is more suited to sheep and goats than humans. Of the total land area, only 4% is cultivated and almost 92% consists of arid grazing lands, rock mountains and deserts. No further development schemes like dams, roads or even schools would be required.

23% of Pakistan’s total goat population and 46% of sheep population is already in Balochistan, 90% of which practices seasonal migration. Nomadic goats will not have disruptive attachments to land, will not demand compensation and will be more amenable to mass evictions, should resources for mineral extraction become available.

Livestock plays an important role in Pakistan's economy, and contributes about 9.3 per cent to the national economy. Its share in agriculture is 38.4 per cent. As the gas reserves in Sui are depleting, a new Baloch contribution to national economy can substitute.

To gather internal consensus, each sardar can be entitled to their own pirri (auction market). The middlemen and brokers should be eliminated as far as possible, in case they get ideas about alternative forms of representation.

National opposition would be minimal: as its an internal decision, sovereignty defenders will be appeased, and the political leadership has already prepared voters by bleating in parliament and laid grounds for eating grass for state-determined solutions.

It should have no international repercussions, as Americans have a cultural understanding of horny goats and gentle sheep. Ruminants can strengthen friendships with perennial allies as they find representation on the Chinese Zodiac via the Ram and in the Chinese calendar, 2015 is the Year of the Sheep - which may bode well for cricket fans watching the World Cup that year. However, additional measures would have to be taken to ensure that bovine presence is excluded from the goat and sheep category, as cows are susceptible to hostile neighbors and may be misled by the reverence accorded to them in India.

Enabling citizenship for goats and sheep of Balochistan would go a great way in resolving the current crisis of the province, as the arguments above illustrate. However, the federation would be well advised to conduct a comprehensive risk analysis. Despite apparent docility, their skull is shaped like the devil’s pentagram and they have horns on their heads.