Vacant vacancy: Urgently need a Khadim-e Aala!

Candidate should not only have the vision of developing ambitious plans in the interest of the Core Group, he should also have the courage to wake up every morning, look into the mirror and say ‘I am ready to pursue the high command’s agenda today by hook or by crook no matter what happens to the illiterate citizens of this country’

Now that May 11 has been set as the election date, the Core Group (CG) plans to renew its pledge to defend the country again from the corrupt and brainless civilians who somehow managed to complete their five-year political term for the first time in the nation’s history (we don’t know how it happened!).

After unsuccessfully trying several aspiring political gurus including the former skipper of his youth and the current self-appointed hero of the youth, and the not-so-clever but imported master of the long march, CG is now pleased to invite applications from some gifted souls interested in providing leadership to the Land of the Poor for the next five years or longer at the will of the high command.

All applicants should have the following requirements for this newly created position, hereby referred to Khadim-e Aala (Chief Servant):

Education:

Not an issue. Although high school graduates will be preferred, it’s not necessary. We will honor the selected gentleman (not woman) with honorary degrees or we will issue a new degree retrospectively if he wants. All the elected parliamentarians have degrees and look what a mess they have created!

Financial Expertise:

We are looking for a financially sound person who should be an expert on financial wheeling and dealing and keeping a complete record of whatever he or his band members do (not on paper). He should be able to feed the Core Group and find ways to keep its members happy no matter what happens. He should be able to manage all financial activities (especially Khurd Burd) effectively and efficiently.

Commitment to Justice:

The person should have an unmatched qualification to prove that he can serve the Core Group and the Qazi-e Aala (Chief of Judicial High Command) no matter what happens.

Devotion:

Political experience is preferred but devotion to the Core Group is a required qualification. A track record of collaboration (open or hidden) with the CG members and their beneficiaries should be submitted along with the application materials.

Political Maturity:

The candidate should have the intellect and political maturity to form a new political party. Expectations are that this new brand of “Pak League of Muslims” (PLM) should be able to show its commitment to follow the Core Group in letter and spirit.

Candidates should not only have the vision of developing ambitious plans in the interest of the Core Group, he should also have the courage to wake up every morning, look into the mirror and say “I am ready to pursue the high command’s agenda today by hook or by crook no matter what happens to the illiterate citizens of this country.”

Leadership Skills:

The gentleman should possess extraordinary skills to lead the unsophisticated people of his nation with a proven ability to implement the given policies and programs without raising any questions. The person should have exceptional abilities to be elected in the forthcoming election along with his gang of followers. Experience of dealing with a large number of industrial or farm workers with an iron fist will be highly desirable.

Character:

The candidate should have an exemplary character duly certified by the Qazi-e Aala. He should have the following qualities: honesty not to hide anything from CG, loyalty to his personal goals not to the country, and accountability to CG only and no one else.

Loyalty:

Loyalty with the Core Group will be highly valued. In fact, any retired CG member with a clean leadership experience, who is ready to learn from the past mistakes, is welcome to apply. However, the candidate might be required to take an additional oath not to call the Qazi-e Aala in his office and ask him to resign. He should be able learn from history and save his butt from all possible dangers.

The selected gentleman will receive an un-accounted amount of salary in addition to a handsome package of hidden and open fringe benefits. Free access to foreign banks will be available to keep his hard earned money away from internal, greedy money grabbers.

After going through a regressive selection process to be supervised by CG and the final approval of His Excellency the Safeer-e Azam (Ambassador in Chief) in Islamabad, the selected candidate will have to go through a strict evaluation by the prestigious nonpolitical wing of the Internal Serendipity Institute.

Applications from qualified candidates with original documents and a duly attested character certificate signed by the Qazi-e Aala should be received in the CG Head Office within one week of this announcement. Extreme confidentiality will be ensured at all cost.

Dr. Qaisar Abbas, a U.S. based free lance journalist, grant writing consultant and a published Urdu poet, frequently writes on media, literature and society. With a Master's degree in Journalism from Punjab University, Lahore, he worked as Public Relations Officer for the provincial government of Punjab. Later he joined Pakistan Television as News Producer before moving to the United States where he did Ph.D. from University of Wisconsin-Madison in Mass Communication. After working on administrative and teaching positions at several universities in the U.S., he is currently working as Assistant Dean at the University of North Texas. He can be reached at